I haven't blogged for weeks and this is why /// Part 1 of 3

Well, hello again. It's been quite a long time since the last blog entry and there have been several reasons for this. Life has had much in store for me over the past few weeks, both good and bad. I honestly haven't had the time or concentration required for blogging, but today I suddenly felt like writing, so here it is! To avoid posting one super-long blog (yes, even longer than this one!) I've decided to divide it into three parts, which I will post over the next few days.

I guess that I'd better start with the most important thing that has happened over the past few weeks.

I'm very sad to say that my lovely boyfriend Leon has been diagnosed with skin cancer.

Some of you (very few) will know about this already, and if you follow me on twitter you may remember that I mentioned he'd been in hospital and had an operation while I was in Paris in July, but I didn't say why. So this is the first time I'm announcing publicly what has been happening.

I've asked Leon whether it's ok to tell you about this, and he was fine with the idea. He's very keen to get the word out about this horrible disease, because it has come as a total shock to us.....I guess I should just start from the beginning.

Most of you are already aware of the fact that Leon lives in Paris (he's American, not French, to confuse matters further!) and that I spend most of my time in the UK with frequent trips to Paris to be with him. In June, we went to London to spend a couple of nights in a hotel to belatedly celebrate my birthday. During this trip I noticed a huge brown mark on his back. When I first saw it he was across the room, so I told him to come over to me so that I could have a closer look. I was truly alarmed by what I could see. What had previously been a birth mark (just flat and brown and non-scary) had suddenly become a huge mole in varying shades of brown, with a ragged border. I didn't want to scare him, but the moment I saw it the words 'malignant melanoma' popped into my brain like a flashing neon sign. It had all of the warning signs: rapid growth, ragged border, uneven colour, and it was much, much bigger than a normal mole. He was shocked, because he didn't know he had anything there - as it turns out, he didn't even know about the original birth mark!

The reason for this is because it's on his back, near the shoulder blade, but almost in the centre of his back (if that makes sense) - one of the few places you can't see yourself without the aid of two mirrors. And let's be honest, how many of us stand in front of the mirror naked whilst holding another mirror?

Ok, I do sometimes, but I'm like that. Leon is normal, and he doesn't. ;)

Anyway, as you can probably understand, we spent a lot of our time in London worrying about it and discussing it. Trying to make ourselves feel better ("it's probably nothing") but all the time I had a feeling it was something to worry about. Leon promised he'd see a doctor as soon as he returned to Paris in a couple of days.

I need to cut this long story short, as I'm seriously rambling.

So, he goes to the doctor - the doc says he thinks it is probably not too much to worry about, but recommends that Leon sees a specialist. A few days later he has an appointment with an dermatologist. Expert number 1 looks at the growth and is unsure and so calls in expert number 2. Expert number 2 examines the mole for a long time while discussing it with his colleague. They both decide that they are almost certain that it's a form of skin cancer called basal cell carcinoma. It sounds scary but BCC is actually a 'safer' form of skin cancer - it's generally slow-growing, and importantly, localised, meaning that it doesn't tend to spread beyond the skin growth to other parts of the body. Leon tells me of their diagnosis on the phone, as I'm in the UK at this point. All I keep saying to him (and yes, I was driving him crazy) was, "But how can they say this, it looks nothing like a classic BCC and everything like a malignant melanoma! Did you tell them that it has grown really quickly? BCC grows slowly!" (By this point I'd done a lot of research).

From the very start, I had a feeling that the doctors were wrong. I should have been relieved at their diagnosis, but all I could feel was a sense of rising panic. Leon saw another doctor, the surgeon who was going to remove the growth. As soon as he saw it, he said it was too large to remove at his clinic - which was the initial plan - and he told Leon that he would have to go into hospital and have it removed under general anesthetic. He used a pen to mark the area of skin they were going to cut from Leon's back. It was really quite large as they like to take a lot of surrounding skin, to be sure. This doctor also stated that he thought it was BCC and not MM - in other words, the less dangerous form of cancer.

Let's skip to the part where Leon has the growth removed in July, a month after seeing the first doctor (they initially wanted to leave the operation until August and if Leon hadn't been so concerned, that's what would have happened). He came out of hospital with a large row of stitches on his back, feeling very sore and, quite rightly, a little sorry for himself. A nurse came in to change the bandages every day for a few days after the operation. Leon went on holiday with his son to rural France and I returned to England to get on with my work.

Two and a half weeks later and Leon is back in Paris, where he receives a call from the doctor. They have analysed the growth and the area of skin they removed, and it turns out that he has malignant melanoma, not basal cell carcinoma as four doctors had previously diagnosed.

My instinct about the growth turned out to be right all along. I never understood why the doctors thought it was BCC, when it appeared to have none of the signs of that particular type of cancer. But I just assumed they knew something I didn't.

I totally freaked out when I heard this news - malignant melanoma is the most dangerous form of skin cancer, and if left unchecked for too long, can quickly spread to other parts of the body. I felt sick and shaky, and initially mad as hell at the doctors - I still find it hard to grasp that four separate doctors could all get it wrong. And the fact that they were prepared to leave the first operation until August, meaning that if we had gone along with this, Leon would probably still be walking around with a cancerous growth on his back even now, giving it more time to develop and spread. Everything I've read about MM states that it needs to be removed as soon as possible.

Anyway, aside from that, he has now seen another doctor who went through the results of the analysis with him in incredible detail. At the moment it looks positive, as they couldn't find any sign of cancer in the surrounding skin and apparently the mole itself had a depth of just 0.6mm. Anything up to 1mm is considered quite safe apparently, as it hasn't had time to grow into the skin and the tissue below. So all of this sounds good. They will be performing a second operation later this month to remove even more skin from the surrounding area - they do this in cases of malignant melanoma just to be totally sure they have removed it all. Then I believe they're doing more tests to check that it hasn't spread anywhere else, but the doctor says, judging by the results, that this scenario would be unlikely. He said in all likelihood Leon is very lucky because it seems to have been caught at an early stage. He also said that one of the good points of living with a woman is that they are very observant and are apparently often the first to notice if anything is wrong with their man! So we are cautiously hopeful at the moment, but we're not totally 'out of the woods' yet.

One thing we both want to say to EVERYONE reading this is to please check your body on a regular basis. In fact, do it now while you're thinking about it. Get your partner, or a friend, or your family, to check the parts of your body you can't see. If you see anything suspicious, please go to the doctor as soon as possible. Don't leave it thinking it will go away, as so often time is the most important factor in successfully treating skin cancer.

Remember, Leon was walking around with a malignant melanoma on his back and he didn't even know about it until I pointed it out. Had I not seen it, he probably wouldn't have noticed it until it started itching or bleeding - at which point it may have been at an advanced stage. I don't want to scare anyone, but people die from this (Leon recently lost a cousin in Los Angeles to skin cancer), so please keep an eye on your bodies, and those of your family or partner. Check yourself every month or two, and if you see any changes go straight to the doctor. Here's a good site for finding out more information on skin cancers of all types: The Skin Cancer Foundation

Please keep Leon in your thoughts and prayers, and let's all hope that this incredibly stressful situation has a positive and happy outcome.

Natasha x

Comments

[Anna Gwenllian]

oh my god :( i'm so sorry to hear. i'm glad that he got the operation sooner, and i hope he recovers very quickly now
hope you're ok too, lots of love xxx

[nicky]

I am very happy to read that the prognosis is good for Leon.

[Lee May]

What a horrible situation Natasha, you must all be so incredibly worried. Lots of positive thoughts coming your way that the tests come back negative and that Leon makes a swift recovery.

It's so important to check over and listen to your body, thank you for highlighting this.

XXX

[Paola Kathuria]

Natasha, I'm sorry that you are both going through this. It's good that you spotted it and did something about it.

Could it be that they couldn't diagnose MM without a biopsy?

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in Jan 2010 (I check for lumps regularly). After a lumpectomy, chemotherapy, radiotherapy and, now, hormone therapy, I (and the surgeon) are pretty sure that I don't have cancer any more. Positive outcomes are definitely possible!

I blogged about my experience. It starts with my announcement, if you're interested: http://pootability.wordpress.com/2010/02/22/chapter-0-surgery-8-march/ (26 posts in all). Leon might consider blogging. It helps not having to repeat things and stops every family/friend visit being about cancer.

I'll be thinking of you both.

Paola

[lucy]

my thoughts are with you both and I'm keeping everything crossed for Leon!

[Ismay]

I'm sorry you've been through such a worrying time. I'm always checking my boyfriend- he has a lot of moles on his back. Well done for spreading the word, and good luck to you both for the future.

[D Marsland]

Natasha, I am very glad for you both that you have caught it in good time. Very scary to think that some doctors missed it though. My partner Brad has got similar moles on his back which I need to check on. Take care and good luck for any further treatments.
Diane

[harriet]

oh my gosh Natasha, i'm so sorry to hear this! well done for making him go to the docs. it's true about women going to the doctors more than men, i go for the tiniest thing to find it's nothing. yet luke never goes and when we changed doctors a few months ago they did a full health check on us both and found out Luke had hi blood pressure, they are now trying to find the reason why! wishing Leon a full and speedy recovery x

[Derek Erb]

Wow.

I am so sorry for you to have to go through this. I can only imagine what hell is like for the cancer fighter's care giver. I can't even imagine. But I can say how lucky he is to have you right now. I can't imagine going through this fight alone and, even being optimistic, it ain't over yet. I am sorry for you. But I am very glad he has you

As you know I've been through cancer here in Paris and I do feel he's in the best place in the world to be treated for it. I will try and get in touch with him...

Keeping a blog was very therapeutic for me (http://www.cancergeek.me) and made communication easier. I have found the new I Had Cancer social network (http://www.ihadcancer.com) organisation helpful as well.

Men go to doctors less often than women and Americans go to doctors less often than most people on the planet. American men tend to avoid doctors - even here in France. It's a tough habit to get over...

Leon will get through this. I know very few people who are more positive-thinking, zen and optimistic as he is and I believe those are the most vital weapons any cancer survivor has to survive.

Sending lots of love and positive thoughts to both of you for now and the future.

You will both get through this and you will look at life differently and, believe it or not, even enjoy it more.

[Michelle]

Sorry to hear about your news but I'm glad it is getting treated properly now especially with a second op to remove more cells. All best wishes and fingers crossed for a great outcome.

[Ersi Marina]

Dear Natasha, I hope the doctors' optimism turns out to be right and that this is the last you both have to endure as far as MM is concerned. Leon is very lucky to have you (and I know you're very lucky to have him). I'm sending countless good wishes your way. Please keep us posted.

[Janine]

Dear Natasha, I'm so sorry..I follow you on twitter and remember when you were in Paris you mentioned that your boyfriend had to have an operation, but I felt very sorry today to read he's been diagnosed with skin cancer. Also so angry to hear about the problems with the diagnosis. I wish Leon all the very best for a successful full recovery, and have my fingers crossed for him. Like the person above has said, he is very lucky to have you, and thank god you noticed the mark on his back when you did. Your blog entry has made me feel more aware of how things can easily go un-noticed. Thank you for raising awareness and thinking of others at such a worrying time for yourselves. All the best to you and Leon. from Janine x

[Carolyn]

Wow, I hope Leon is ok after all of this. I actually went to a dermatologist for the first time last week and I was ok thankfully.

[Rebecca]

So sorry to hear you and Leon have been going through this! Thank you for opening up about something so private and sharing - My prayers going up for you and Leon EVERYDAY!

[Lynsey aka Swirlyarts]

Oh goodness. I'm glad you've caught it now and that it wasn't too far advanced. I hope that Leon is ok and wish him a speedy recovery.

[Gilly Rochester]

My brother went through exactly the same last year, including size and position of the mole, and the extent of the surgery to remove it. He went because of a cyst, but the medics were immediately more interested in the mole next to it. He had monthly, now 3 monthly, follow on check-ups. He is fine and I do hope the same will be true for Leon. The original misdiagnosis in Leon's case is unbelievable, but you know it was caught in time thank goodness. x

[Dorothy]

Dear Natasha,
Thank you for blogging this news. I had been wondering how you were both getting on .... and hadn't imagined after the initial responses that the biopsy had come back as positive for malignant melanoma. Can imagine a whole range of emotions as a result .... rage, panic, fear, confusion, sadness as well as wanting to be positive and to hope ... all of them so understandable and so reasonable. Am relieved for you to know that it does appear to have been caught at an early stage (thank heavens for your powers of observation and your courage to face what you feared!!!).
Will very definitely be thinking of you both over the coming months.
With love to you both,
Dorothy

[Aisling]

I'm sorry to hear about this, I hope that you and Leon are ok after everything that has been happening. It is so important to tell people to check their moles and birthmarks all the time. It's great that you are raising awareness about this and the importance of checking. I have several moles and a large brown birthmark on my chest which I check regularly and keep well protected when out in the sun.

I hope there is a happy outcome to this and my thoughts are with you x

[evan]

Hi N.

Been there, done that, though the scar for my skin cancer surgery is on the top of my head. I lived in Hawaii as a kid, I was outside all the time, I used to lifeguard. And I look at myself naked using 2 mirrors frequently...or used to (middle-aged- the view ain't what it used to be :))...when you need a model & there's no0ne around...anyway....found a "freckle" on my head that I thought was too large, too many different shades of brown & had an irregular edge. The doctor took a serious divot out of my scalp. I can't remember if it was "serious" skin cancer or not. How can ANY cancer not be serious? L. is lucky to have you. You probably saved his life.

[Amanda]

i'm pretty sure i didn't breathe the entire time i read this post. my boyfriend's family has a history of skin cancer and i will now be more hardcore about checking anything irregular. leon is one lucky fellow to have an attentive lady such as you :)

[gwyneth amy]

What an incredible blessing you are in Leon's life. I hope that all turns out well and that he never has another spot of cancer.

[Leon Milo]

Dear friends,
Thank you so much for all of your thoughtful and heartfelt messages! It is really overwhelming! It is so reassuring to read of your experiences and those of your loved ones. So many people go through cancer, are so strong and get through cancer. It definitely changes one's mind about our own vulnerability. I have been, so far, and according to everything shown by the results of the analysis, very, very lucky! And lucky to have Natasha, of course, and thankful that she noticed the mark and reacted. She is a real blessing, Gwyneth! I never knew that there was anything there, so let's all get undressed more often! Really so important to check each other as it is potential danger which can be seen.

I apologize for the delay in writing this message. Each time that I have tried to write in the past week, I have been interrupted by something or another. In addition to numerous composition deadlines, I have taken on full time hours with Apple for the month of August. So, even though I am in front of computers all day long, I have little time lately (unless I give up sleeping!) to do my own things on them!

Again, thank you all. I will keep in touch as I hope that you will.
Wishing you all the best with love and good health!
Leon.

PS. "Fuck Cancer"! (Thanks to Derek Erb!.)

[Fiona]

My gosh. I have been away for a couple of weeks and am only just catching up on your blog. What a horrendous situation. Sending my best wishes to you both.